#12: Kindergarten Cop

Release Date: December 21st, 1990

Format: Streaming (Netflix)

Written by: Timothy Harris, Murray Salem, Herschel Weingrod

Directed by: Ivan Reitman

1.5 Stars

I’m not convinced that Ivan Reitman isn’t a hack. I know that Ghostbusters is a comedic masterpiece, and that he’s made a handful of other movies from the ‘80s that people like, but how much of that can be attributed to the talent of the performers and writers that he was working with? He was also releasing movies in the absolute nadir of American cinema, so I think his stuff looked a little better in comparison. 

Watching Kindergarten Cop I was amazed at how shitty it looked. According to its wiki, it had a budget of $26 million. I imagine Arnold soaked up $5 million or so, but where’d the rest of the money go? The action is poorly staged, the mise en scene is cheap and uninspired, and the tone is inconsistent. Arnold is the only big name in the thing, and it looks like shit. I don’t get it. 

And who is watching this shit anyway? If you’re an adult and you’re invested in the love story between Arnold and Penelope Ann Miller, you’re officially an absolute moron. If you’re a small child I guess you’ll find parts of the movie funny, but there are also scenes that are genuinely violent and not geared for kids. 

Okay, Reitman is a hack. I’ll say it. Ghostbusters had a scene where Dan Akroyd gets blown by a ghost. Reitman shows the ghost unzip his fly, and then cuts to a closeup of Akroyd’s face as he’s getting blown. I know it was 1984, but Jesus Christ, who are you making this scene for? 

Despite all these complaints, the movie isn’t totally worthless. It’s fun to watch Arnold and the kids on screen together, and I got this sense that Arnold really did have a great dramatic performance in him somewhere. I don’t know if he ever got the opportunity to commit to a drama to his potential, but there are weird little moments in this movie where the child actors bring something out of him. Mostly though, this thing is a dud.